How do you deal with your family and friends while you’re grieving?

It’s really hard to think about dealing with family and friends when you’re grieving. You may wish people would go away and leave you alone. But your baby’s death affects your family and friends, too. They love you and want to help, but they may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. They may feel helpless because they’re not sure how to comfort and support you.

Here are some ways to deal with others while you’re grieving:

• Tell them that their calls and visits are important to you.

• Tell them if it’s OK for them to ask you questions about what happened.

• Tell them you want their support, even if they don’t know the perfect thing to say. Hearing honest words like, “I just don’t know what to say to make it better,” or “I want to help you but I don’t know how,” can be comforting. Sometimes people may say things that are not helpful to you like, “It was for the best.” Or “You can always have another baby.” Try to remember that they are doing their best to support you, even if what they say is hurtful.

• Try to tell them exactly what you need from them. Do you just want someone to listen? Do you want them to spend time with you at home? Do you need someone to bring you a meal or do your laundry? Tell them specific things they can do to show their support. For example, they could take your children for an afternoon or do your grocery shopping.

• Ask them to use your baby’s name and remember your baby. Let them know that, even if you get pregnant again and have other children, you won’t forget the baby who died.

• Thank them for their patience and support.

Grief takes time.
Some people may expect you to limit your grief or get over it in a certain amount of time. Take as much time as you need to cope with your loss. Even though you may feel better over time, you won’t forget your baby.

As time goes by, support from your family and friends may lessen. This doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten about your baby or that they don’t care. You may need to tell them that you are still grieving. They will support you as long as they know you need it.

“My mother didn’t want to talk about it.
But she wanted to come over, clean up and
do my laundry. So I saved some things for
her to do. I know she felt very useful.”

 

 

 

 

August 2008